PhD Journey Updates

Coming out from the craziness of May

I went quiet for a while.

The end of April through the end of May saw an insane amount of activity related to end of the year events (high school basketball tryouts, middle school dances, 8th grade play practices and performances, 2 capstone projects, choir trip, 8th grade lock-in, etc) culminating in 8th grade graduation for my son, Philip.

This last week I’ve been like the groundhog peeking out of my hole, but not because I’ve been in hibernation. Rather, it’s because my head has been down, living for my son this last month, and only now can I come out of my hole, look around, and see what the rest of the world is up to.

Since I promised to journal about my PhD journey and since I feel encouraged by you all, here are updates (more like prayer requests).

This last month I made little to no progress on researching for a paper I need to write by end of September. I’ve been so exhausted (see above) that I’ve already been questioning if I should do a PhD. My husband tells me not to make these kinds of decisions based on the craziness of May. The last several days I have been struggling with anxiety related to my lack of progress.

However, I have been making progress reading for a class I will be auditing in the fall on Thomas Aquinas (thanks to the friend who purchased me some books) and for an adult Sunday School class that I’ve been asked to teach on a few lines from the Nicene Creed (I’m one of a line-up of people teaching through the lines of the Nicene Creed this summer at my church).

Today I’ve jumped back into Julian’s work (scroll down for a few thoughts on what I’ve been reading this morning). Pray for me to be able to concentrate on the work at hand, not to be anxious, and to make good progress.

After researching scholarships and grants for PhD tuition all spring, I only found two. I applied for both of these in April and am still waiting to hear if I will receive either. Please pray for funding.

Congrats to my friend, Emily, who was accepted into a PhD program beginning this fall! It’s exciting to journey with other women pursuing this degree.

Ok, so for Julian. As you know, I’m looking at the twin themes of comfort and certitude in her work. I’m reading back through her longer text and typing up my notes as I go. Today, I’m in her 8th revelation (she has 16 in all) and the 17th chapter. This particular chapter is a bit grotesque as she shares in vivid terms what she sees of Christ on the cross. (She talks about his skin breaking and hanging about to fall off.) She writes that this showing caused her much pain, for there is no worse pain than seeing the one she loves, who is her life, bliss, and joy, suffer.

The pain is so great that she asks: “Is any pain in hell like this?” In other words, to see her beloved suffer and die is like hell! But then, she writes, she was answered in her reason (or mind): “Hell is another kind of pain, for there is depair.”

The editors of this volume note that despair is the worst pain because by definition it is eternal. They write: “According to The Pricke (a 13th-century devotional written in Middle English), the damned ‘ay (always) dwelle’ in despair ‘withouten hope of mercy,’ since they realize the truth of Job’s words: ‘For in hell … es na redemptioune (is no redemption).’”

Thus, to live in this life on earth in despair is to live like those in hell. Despair is only reserved for those who do not have Christ. But for those of us in Christ, we are given the Spirit of comfort and hope so that we do not have to experience the pain of depair.

This is why Paul can write in 2 Corinthians: ”We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair.”

Jesus Christ has overcome sin and death. He is alive and intercedes for us. We belong to him and he to us as guaranteed by the deposit of his Spirit. Through him we are more than conquerors (Rom 8). Thus the comfort we receive from him is not a shallow, passing feeling that is tied to our materialistic wealth. Comfort is our lived reality in the Spirit of Christ, the Comforter: comfort in sin, in death, in fear, in pain, in suffering.

Thank you for praying for me and following along.

Kristen